Original ad:
Help me! I’m in desperate need of a Blu-ray player. I don’t have a lot of money so if you want to give me one for free, that would be great. In return I will say many prayers for you! Please e-mail me @ ***********@verizon.net

From Me to ***********@verizon.net:

Hey there,

I have an old Blu-Ray player I don’t use anymore. Are you interested?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Yes I am very much interested! What brand is the player and is it free?

From Me to Cathy ********:

Cathy,

It is a Samsung player, and whether it is free or not depends on you…how many prayers are we talking about here?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

I will say many prayers for you!

From Me to Cathy ********:

Yeah, I got that. Specifically, how many prayers? This Blu-Ray player wasn’t cheap. I’m thinking, 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys every day for a year. Does that sound good?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Mike, the quantity of prayers is not important – it is the sincerity and power of the prayer that matters. I will be genuinely thankful and show this through my prayers!

From Me to Cathy ********:

Sorry, but I’m not settling for anything less than 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys per day. The last guy I gave my plasma TV to gave me that “sincere prayer” crap but I don’t it worked at all. My wife’s breasts still aren’t bigger and my lottery tickets still aren’t winning. The only thing that matters is the amount of prayers that you say. It is your choice; 100 prayers a day or no blu-ray player.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

I think you are misunderstanding the purpose of prayer. Surely you can’t expect me to say that many prayers – it would take all day!

From Me to Cathy ********:

I’m willing to cut you a deal, Cathy. I’ll only ask for 50 prayers a day, but in return, you have to come say grace whenever I eat dinner. I’ll accept you saying grace for me over the phone if I happen to be eating at a drive-thru fast food place.

I’ll also throw in my copy of “Drag Me to Hell” on Blu-Ray.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Please stop. You are being preposterous.

From Me to Cathy ********:

Cathy,

My apologies. I guess you are right, I am asking for a bit too much. Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll go by what my priest made me do the last time I confessed to stealing a Blu-Ray player. He made me say 20 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers, but I think the Our Fathers were because I pistol-whipped a guy while I was stealing it. Since I didn’t have to pistol-whip anyone this time, I’ll give it to you for only 20 Hail Marys. How does this sound? This is practically face value in prayer.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Oh my lord, you have lost your mind! I will get a bluray player elsewhere.

Original ad:
ATTENTION: anyone who owns an auto repair shop
i need a fake invoice printed up for a bunch of car work so i can explain to my wife where our $1200 went. if you can print out an invoice with a bunch of repair stuff that would cost around that, please contact me ASAP.

From Me to *********@********.org:

Hey, are you still looking to get a fake invoice? I run a repair shop off of 95 in Essington and could easily print something out for you.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

yea dude that would be great. it needs to be for like $1200 but your a mechanic im sure you can think of something that costs that much. essington is kinda out of my way so i just need a good reason for my wife that explains why i was down there, ya hear?

From Me to Dave ********:

Alright, I can print one out in a few minutes and scan it for you. As for your wife, just tell her you were on your way to Chester to buy drugs and your car broke down, so you just had it towed to the nearest shop. Be sure to mention how great our service was.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

yeah great idea genius that would go over real well. im better off coming clean about my bad luck in atlantic city, but that aint happenin neither

From Me to Dave ********:

I don’t see why it wouldn’t go over well. Lots of people go out of their way to Chester for drugs. I get my coke from Chester all of the time. It is cheap, and good, too.

Anyway, I’ve attached the invoice I wrote up for you. I forgot to ask the Make/Model/Year of your car, so I just took a guess. If I am wrong, let me know and I can change it.

Mike

Attachment:

From Dave ******** to Me:

if you guessed 98 corolla then id be impressed otherwise could you put that in, and date it for today? thanks a lot for your help dude

From Dave ******** to Me:

wait a minute what the fuck is this shit

From Dave ******** to Me:

$200 to unjam a tape deck are you for real man? that isnt even a real problem
what the fuck is a “transgasket differential” are you serious dude, this shit isnt going to fly. 50 bucks to set the dashboard clock wtf man

like seriously man are you fucking retarded? wtf is this bullshit

From Me to Dave ********:

Yes, I typically charge around $200 to unjam a tape deck. Have you ever tried to do it? It is a pain in the ass. Some people panic and try to rewind their tapes and that just makes it even worse.

I charge $50 to set the dashboard clock, but it is well worth every penny. It is the most accurate time reading you will ever have. I sync it down to the millisecond with the official NIST time, and I have it verified by a certified time expert.

You’ve got me there on the transgasket differential. I just make that up and charge $400 for it and people usually pay it without much argument. Especially women, which brings me to my next point.

Women tend to know nothing about cars, so your wife will probably just look at the document and get confused by all that fancy car lingo. All women need to see is the money amount, which I have made very clear at the bottom of the invoice.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

cmon man quit dicking me around and put some real shit on there. i dont know what kind of bullshit shop you are running over there, but neither me or my wife would believe this thing

and fix the car info. out of all the guesses you could have made you guessed that i drive a fucking delorean? for real dude?

From Me to Dave ********:

Sorry, you just struck me as the kind of guy who would have a DeLorean.

If you really think your wife isn’t going to fall for that, I’ll give you a more realistic looking document. Here is a realistic bank statement you can use to show your wife where your money went.

Mike

Attachment:

From Dave ******** to Me:

wow thats great buddy thanks for nothing you fucking retard
hey why dont you go fuck yourself in the ass with your transgasket differential. what a douchebag

Original ad:
LARGE CRIB WANTED
I need a large(tall) crib for my 9 month old. The crib I have right now is too small – he keeps climbing out! I need a crib that is too high for my baby to get out of it. Please respond with pictures. Contact Julia @ ********@verizon.net

From Me to ********@verizon.net:

Hey Julia,

I may have the perfect crib for you. It is a very large crib that has some features to prevent your baby from escaping. Please let me know if you are interested.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

How big is it? Do you have any pictures of it?

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

It is very large. As I said, it has modifications to prevent escape. The entire top perimeter of the crib has been reinforced with a metal frame that is connected to a car battery. When someone tries to escape the crib, they will be given a gentile electric shock, which will discourage them from attempting to climb out of the crib again. The price includes a 12 volt car battery, but a higher-voltage battery can always be purchased, depending on how fat your child is. Here is a picture of the setup:

I am currently using the crib for one of my friends who happens to be a midget. He tends to frequently get drunk and violent, so we put him in this crib when he starts getting belligerent. The battery works great for keeping him in, so I am assuming it will work great for your child. The only reason I am getting rid of it is because the midget was recently arrested for arson, so he won’t be around for a while.

I have something else that you may be interested in as well. Are you tired of waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of your baby crying? With this clever device, you won’t even have to get out of bed to calm your baby.

It is a little mobile that I invented called “The Lullibinator.” Simply hang it above the crib, and the microphone will detect when the baby is crying. If the crying reaches a certain decibel level, the box will spray a calming mist of pepper spray into the crib. It trains your baby not to cry in no time! It worked great on the midget when he started yelling. It comes with 2% CS pepper spray, which is practically harmless. It can be upgraded to bear mace if your child continues to cry. I have decorated the Lullibinator with friendly smiley faces to comfort your baby.

I am asking $50 for the Lullibinator, and $250 for the crib/battery combo. Let me know if you want to set up a time to stop by and check this stuff out.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

Oh my god

From Julia ******** to Me:

Please tell me you’re kidding. You’re kidding, right?

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

Why would I be kidding? I thought $250 was more than reasonable. I got a lot of use out of these things before social services took my kid away. I still do whenever the midget comes over.

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

I…don’t know what to say to you. You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. How dare you ever think that I would use this for my child. Don’t you ever e-mail me again, you scumbag.

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

I’ve been called some harsh things for my haggling tactics, but you seem to have been very offended by the price I have offered. I am sorry; I had no intention of offending you. I will drop the total price to $200 for everything, and I’ll even throw this in for free:

Now you won’t have to get up to give your baby a bottle when he is thirsty. This handy crib-bottle will allow your baby to quench his thirst any time he wants. It doesn’t have to necessarily be filled with tequila (like I said, this crib was set up for a midget). It can easily be filled with Gatorade, breast milk, or whatever else your baby prefers. Throw in a can of food and the baby can practically live on his own!

Please let me know when you are going to pick this stuff up. I am going to Atlantic City for the weekend, so I need you to get it before I leave.

Thanks,

Mike

Original ad:
i need a grille not the cole kind but the gas kind. i will barter my skill as a landscaper in turn for a good grille if u need any kind of landscape work

From Me to **************@***********.org:

Hello,

I saw your ad looking for a grill in exchange for your landscaping skills. Do you do tree removal? If so, there is a very expensive grill in it for you.

Thanks,

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

yes

From me to josh *******:

Great! There is a pine tree that has been bothering me and I want it cut down. You won’t have to remove it. It hasn’t been a problem until about two years ago when it got much taller. My problem with it is that it is obscuring the view to my neighbor’s upstairs bathroom window. I used to have a perfect view of the neighbor’s wife changing in the bathroom every day. She had great tits and an ass that was out of this world. It really completed my morning whenever I caught a glimpse of her. Now that this damn pine tree is in the way, I can’t see a thing.

If you could go onto my neighbor’s property and cut the tree down while they are at work, I will let you take the grill that is outside on their patio. I’m not sure what brand it is, but it is a gigantic propane grill. It looks really nice.

If they ask about it, I will tell them that a huge storm happened while they were at work, and the wind blew the tree over and blew the grill away. Meanwhile you will be enjoying a delicious salisbury steak from your new grill, and I wil be enjoying my neighbor’s hot wife as she steps into the shower.

They usually leave for work around 7:30 AM during the week, and come back home around 6:00 PM. If you could have it done before they get back on Monday, that would be great.

Thanks,

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

wat the fuck r u smoking dude? so i cut down ur neigbors tree and u let me steal his grille. what a grate deal ass hole. how bout i just take the grille and dont cut down the tree u fuck

From me to josh *******:

You don’t know where his house is, so how are you going to steal the grill? I think my information in exchange for your services is a fair trade. I’ll even let you come over for a few beers afterward, and we can watch the wife in the bathroom from my bedroom window.

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

i dont want a stolen grille i want a real grille u retard wat da fuck is ur problem. and i dont give a shit bout naked neigbor u fuckin perv

From me to josh *******:

I assure you that this grill is real. By cutting down the tree, you are earning the grill and it will not be stolen. Also, if seeing a naked woman isn’t your thing, you could probably catch the husband changing in the bathroom as well. I won’t be watching, but I’m not one to judge your lifestyle.

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

ur the fagot u dick sucking fuck fag cock sucker!! eat a fuckin dick u piece of shitt!!!

Original ad:
Garage sale on Saturday April 17th from 10 am to 4 pm. Lots of clothes, furniture, electronics, and more. The address is 341 ********* Drive. Email me if you need directions.

Now before you think this woman doesn’t deserve it, she spammed this ad everywhere, every day. I was sick of seeing it.
From Me to ***********@**********.org:

Hello,

I live a few blocks away from you and couldn’t help but notice you are having a garage sale this Saturday. I am going to have to kindly ask you to change the date of your garage sale. I am having my annual world class garage sale on that day, and I do not want you to take away any of the customers that would be coming to my garage sale.

If you could hold your garage sale some time during May or June, that would be great.

Thanks,

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I’m not changing the date. There is plenty of room for both of our garage sales.

From Me to Karen *******:

Karen,

There is not enough room for both of our garage sales. As I said earlier, my garage sale is a “world class” event. It draws in garage sale connoisseurs from all over the region. I have already booked a bartender and a string quartet for my sale on Saturday. My garage sale is a classy experience, and I do not want that experience to be ruined for customers who mistake your garage sale for mine. Now I’m not saying your garage sale isn’t going to be nice, but I highly doubt you have a bartender and string quartet at your sale.

Please take down all of the ads in the neighborhood for your sale to avoid any confusion for my customers.

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

How rude of you to even make this request. I have the right to have a garage sale when ever I want to. What gives you the nerve to think you can tell me what to do?

From Me to Karen *******:

Karen,

You are correct, you do have the right to do whatever you want. I realize that I cannot change your mind about this.

I can, however, put up this ad all over the neighborhood. Let me know what you think of it:

Best,

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

What the hell is the matter with you? I swear if I see any of those ads in the neighborhood I will tear them down and report you. Do not speak to me again about this. You have been warned.

From Me to Karen *******:

Karen

I’m willing to cut you a deal and get you a spot on the guest list for my world class garage sale if you cancel yours.

Mike

From Karen ******* to Me:

Screw you and screw your world class garage sale, you world class prick.

Original ad:

Do not Use Lenny the Mechanic:
He has an ad on here for car repairs and I asked him to fix my blown head gasket. He showed up to my house, broke a bunch of parts and left. He has been avoiding me ever since. DO NOT USE THIS GUY.
Lenny, if you are reading this, you owe me an explanation.

From Me to ***************@***********.org:
Hey,

My apologies for bailing on your car. I know I have been hard to contact; I lost my phone and had to get a new e-mail address. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to make it up to you.

Lenny

From **********@gmail.com to Me:
You could start by explaining yourself…

From Me to **********@gmail.com:
Well, I was pretty baked when I showed up, and I had just eaten a bag of shrooms and taken three hits of acid. I thought I would be able to fix your car before the shrooms and acid kicked in, but I was wrong. While I was disconnecting the sensors, I started tripping pretty hard. At one point it looked like the intake manifold was laughing at me. I freaked out and bashed it with a socket wrench, and then ran back to my car and got the hell out of there. I’m not sure what happened after that. The next thing I remember is waking up naked in a church confessional booth two days later. When I got back to my house, the State Police were there and told me they found my car abandoned in a car wash about 50 miles away. Needless to say, it has been a crazy weekend for me. That is why I was unable to fix your car.

From **********@gmail.com to Me:
Uh…not sure what to take from all that. You deemed it a good idea to take drugs before working on my car because…why?

From Me to **********@gmail.com:
Honestly I forgot I had to work on your car. I remembered after I took the shrooms and acid. Once I get my car back from the police, I should be able to come over and finish working on your car. Oh by the way, sorry about the dump I took on your lawn. I was too embarrassed to go inside and ask to use the bathroom because it would have been obvious that I was tripping.

From **********@gmail.com to Me:
Unbelievable. I don’t want you to do any more work on my car. I do want you to pay for the damage you did to my car. If you don’t, I will take you to small claims court.

From Me to **********@gmail.com:
Whoa man, why are you being such a dick? Not cool. If anything, you should be paying me. I seriously fucked up my hand when I hit your intake manifold with the wrench. It feels like I fractured it. I don’t have any health insurance, and seeing as I got injured under your employment, I think you are obligated to pay for my medical bills.

From **********@gmail.com to Me:
Not a chance in hell. I think all those drugs you took fried your brain – you’re fucked in the head if you think any of this is acceptable. If you don’t pay the damages, we are going to have a problem.

From Me to **********@gmail.com:
I have another eighth of shrooms I can give you…will that cover it?

From Me to **********@gmail.com:
I’ll take that as a yes?

Original ad:
i am 17 years old and looking to buy my first car! if you have a good, cheap and reliable car for a student please let me know. thank you!

From Mike Anderson to ***********@*******.org

Hey there!

I saw your ad and have a great car for a young driver such as yourself. I am selling my beautiful 1992 Toyota Camry. This car is almost perfect. 148,342 miles on it. I need to go to Wawa tomorrow, so that mileage might change. I’m estimating it will be somewhere around 148,347 miles. If this is a problem, let me know and I will ride my bike to Wawa.

The car has a few MINOR problems but nothing too bad:

- The ashtray is stuck shut from when I accidentally spilled a beer on it. I think there is like $2 in change in there, so if you can open the ashtray, it’s all yours.
- Due to a bad trip in Philly, I no longer have a radio. I run an old boom box through the cigarette lighter, however, and it sounds great. It is a 1986 Sony Cassette player. I’ll throw in a Raffi cassette tape for an extra $10. The tape is Raffi in Concert with the Rise & Shine Band, and is an excellent album.
- The glovebox is locked and I lost the key to it, so it won’t open. Unfortunately there was a tuna sandwich locked in there, and you can smell it in the car. It isn’t that bad if you light some incense. I dropped a few sticks of incense between the seats, you can have them if you find em.
- The hood latch is broken and the hood will occasionally fly up and hit the windshield while driving. The windshield is currently cracked from the last time this happened, but the crack isn’t that bad. In fact, it helps air out the stench of the tuna.
- Needs new front and rear brakes. The ones on there don’t really stop, but if you give the emergency brake a good tug it should take care of everything.
- There is a hornets nest somewhere under the hood. I have no idea where. Occasionally a hornet will blow in through the air conditioning vent, but I will include a fly swatter above the visor.
- There is some blood on the passenger seat and all over the side of the door. If you are ever pulled over and the police ask about it, just tell them the previous owner hit a deer. Don’t say who I am though.
- I bought the car from someone who replaced the original horn with a freight train horn. It is really loud and I don’t recommend using it, I have caused several accidents with it.

Besides these problems, this is a great starter car for any young driver! I actually call it the “ladies mobile” because the chicks dig it.

I am asking $6000 for it, but am willing to negotiate.

Thanks,

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

hey thanks for the offer! $6000 sounds like a little much for that car. my dad only gave me a $4000 budget, would you be willing to take that?

From Mike Anderson to joey ********
Son, you obviously have no experience in buying vehicles. When I said I was willing to negotiate, I meant I was willing to take more money for the car if you wanted to give it to me. Minimum is $6,000. Talk to your dad, and he will tell you that this car is a once-in-a-lifetime deal. He’ll be pissed if he saw that you passed this up.

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

What the hell is wrong with you? That car is a piece of shit! Stop e-mailing my son, you moron.